Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
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The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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