If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
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my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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