Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
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I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
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Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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