The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
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Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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