He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
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I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
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I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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