Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
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I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
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Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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