He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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