go do what you do best...puke behind churches
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
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Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
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