i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
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and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
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Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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