i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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