I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
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They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
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