WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You're like the curious george of whores
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im calling her cock vulture from now on
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
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My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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