Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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