I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
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The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
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Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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