Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
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IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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