Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
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Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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