Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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