If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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