dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
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Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
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I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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