It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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