in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize