god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
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You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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