Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
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