good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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