So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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