I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
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Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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