True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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