ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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