Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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