woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
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'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
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I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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