There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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