textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
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The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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