I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
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Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
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He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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