I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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