I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
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Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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