birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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