Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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