I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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