So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
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I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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