I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
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Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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