I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
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You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
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I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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