i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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