but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
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Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
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I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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