apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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