I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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