They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
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you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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