I skipped work to stalk him.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
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Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
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I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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