you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
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I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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