I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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