dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
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she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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